Showing posts from 2019

One order of healing, with a side of life.

8 months.... That's how long it's taken me to get back. I've been writing, a lot. Less in the last two months or so. Life, ya know? But still, progress has been made. I have no idea where to begin. So much has happened in those 8 months. I moved, into my own place. The business now has its own place. Life has shifted, a lot. I celebrated 2 years of sobriety last month, and recently started trauma therapy. The summary doesn't do the experience justice. Tonight I am typing through hard tears. This therapy, called EMDR, is nothing like I ever imagined experiencing. I am enduring a lot of feelings, a lot of triggers, and having a really hard time maintaining connections with those I care for throughout it. I feel walled off in Plexiglas. I can't always decide if this is for my protection, or theirs. Either way, I can't seem to fully be with anyone in any given moment, other than my children. They are magic. They can cross any barrier. And I thank my higher

Defining Me

I have spent a large portion of my life being told how I feel, what I am thinking, and who I am. This began when I was very young, and has been perpetuated by many other relationships throughout my life. It took me a long time to realize that this was happening, and that in most cases I didn't actually think or feel the way others said. The saying goes, 'once you see the pattern, it cannot be unseen.' I can affirm this. I see it in so many of my interactions with people I have known my entire life. In fact, it happened recently. Someone that cares for me greatly told me that I was not happy. At first I just absorbed it, clearly they know better than me. And then it hit me, no the fuck they don't. They are not actually very present in my life. I call them to check in and say hello, and sometimes I share the hard stuff...but mostly I don't anymore. Because then I hear how they think I feel or am doing. I am learning that often when others are unhappy, they project t