How are you really feeling?

Some days you just need to write, and today is one of those days. I have finally cried, tears I have needed for months. Big, gasping, bucketfuls of tears. So many my head and throat and eyes hurt. I imagine I will be quite puffy tomorrow, and yet, I don't think they are done. I sense many more in my near future.

Once upon a time I believed that crying was weakness. We are supposed to be happy, always. To be anything else was utter failure. Humans are happy. Elated, even. Except these over simplified emotions never fully explained the complexity of life events for me. Since I couldn't have the emotions I thought I was supposed to be having every second of every day, I used drugs and alcohol to help me. If I was completely numb, then all the emotions blurred. Of course, as you can imagine, that didn't work out so hot. Alcohol did exactly what it is supposed to do and provided very temporary positive effects that spiraled into heavy doses of magnified anxiety and depression episodes. I do not miss those days after a good drunk. Fuck that.

But now, now I must endure real emotional responses to hard as shit life events. The institution of strong and firm boundaries in a relationship long overdue for them. The grief of knowing my elderly family members no longer have years ahead of them. The fear of facing the demons I have put on ignore for far too long. The lesson that love is never all you need.
Hard truths with big emotions.
I hate negative emotions so much. I hate crying. I hate feeling weak, except right now I don't feel weak. Weird, right? A day of physically exhausting mountains of tears and frustration and fury at the damn universe for doing this to me...and I am ending my day with strength. Raw, unbridled, all encompassing, STRENGTH. I feel stronger for having survived to this moment right now. Partly due to the pep talks and ass kicking I have received from some stellar women in my life; partly because it feels damn good to really feel. Even the negative shit. It feels real. Authentic.

I also feel vulnerable. I have absolutely no clue what will happen next. No clue where the path in front of me leads, or even if it is a path. I am terrified and unwilling to yield to that fear anymore. I know there are far greater things in store for me, if I just accept that I am not in control of all of it. Particularly other people.
That's the hardest shit in the world to learn.
And being a parent ain't helping it out one bit.

So today, I cried. Today I let myself feel the hurt and I didn't think once of how it might be a good idea to numb it, because I wanted to feel it. It is a reminder that I am alive, still breathing after all is said and done. I need that reminder. I won't always have this life, I should probably not squander it by not fully experiencing it.

I want to end by sharing an excerpt out of my recovery journal, from my 1 year birthday celebration, dated 7/28/2018:

"She said when she first met me I was a little scary, intimidating; but now I have softened.

I never imagined I had succeeded at the tough exterior, because my insides were so sensitive. But to be called or seen as tough and strong, these were what I WANTED (to be). Until I realized that it has not only protected me, but kept people away.

I don't want to keep people out anymore. I want to let people in.

My therapist said this week that I looked like I was living the serenity prayer.
THAT is who I want to be.

I want to let go of it all.
I want to live.
I want to love and share.
I want to have fun."

I want to FEEL.
Don't you?

Currently feeling too much,


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