Forking A - Let's take a Breath 2021

2021 Week 1:
Hear about a Covid19 death of someone I know, receive news that we have a new nephew and another on the way.

Meet with business landlord to negotiate out of 5 year lease, and how to sell/leave the carefully selected items of our business to pay back rent owed.

Learn that our county will not be returning to in-person school for the foreseeable future.

Release newsletter to list about permanently closing our 1 year old brick and mortar.

Insurrection at the US Capitol.


 Excuse me while I have a moment or 5.



I've made minimal posts so far this year on my social media networks, and not nearly enough progress on completing my JRNI Life Coaching certification requirements. Hey, but we are alive and fed. That's going to be the big win for this month, I can assure you. And not without the aid of friends and family and community resources.

FUCK THIS.

Amidst all of this I finally came to the conclusion post-holidays that I was slipping. My recovery from co-dependency has gotten all jammed up by an overload of grief and anger and what-the-fuckness. I began bottling up my feels, not taking time for self-care, not reaching out, and inching closer and closer to a full blown relapse. 

Yes, me. 
I feel it. 
I own it.

Jessica the Co-dependent has returned, and dammit...I don't need her here right now.

For anyone that thinks trauma healing, addiction recovery, co-dependency recovery, or healing of any kind is linear - you're wrong. It's not a one and done experience. You need booster shots and tools and check-ins and accountability. Then when you are doing well, life still happens and can knock you on your ass all over again. Back to step 1 you go. Day after day after day. Unlearning ain't a thing, no matter what anyone wants to believe. Healing from anything requires NEW learning. Practice and repetition will, over time, solidify into a new pattern. But remember, however long you've been using one coping mechanism, that's an idea of how much work will go into overriding that with new information and practice.

For many of us, that means a lifetime.

Will it get easier?
Of course.
And sometimes it will be hard again, though probably not nearly as difficult as the first time you face whatever ugly beast you are trying to tame.

Congrats! Humaning is hard.
And beautiful.
And sad.
And joyful.
And infuriating.
And exhilarating.

Just don't give up.

This video journal is my little 10 minutes of owning my gratitude and grief in THIS moment.
My hope is that it will help you own whatever you are feeling right now.
Because whatever you're feeling, it's valid.

I see you, I hear you, and you are not alone.

~Dr. J






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