Posts

How are you really feeling?

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Some days you just need to write, and today is one of those days. I have finally cried, tears I have needed for months. Big, gasping, bucketfuls of tears. So many my head and throat and eyes hurt. I imagine I will be quite puffy tomorrow, and yet, I don't think they are done. I sense many more in my near future.

Once upon a time I believed that crying was weakness. We are supposed to be happy, always. To be anything else was utter failure. Humans are happy. Elated, even. Except these over simplified emotions never fully explained the complexity of life events for me. Since I couldn't have the emotions I thought I was supposed to be having every second of every day, I used drugs and alcohol to help me. If I was completely numb, then all the emotions blurred. Of course, as you can imagine, that didn't work out so hot. Alcohol did exactly what it is supposed to do and provided very temporary positive effects that spiraled into heavy doses of magnified anxiety and depression e…

Resilient Scars

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New writing rule, Amy Winehouse for the hard shit. Girl totally got it. RIP.
So, I have been struggling connecting with chronic pain, something a lot of our clients (and my partner) live with daily. According to Brene Brown's synopsis on empathy, the path to connection and true empathy is being able to find the similarities in other's experiences. I have been in pain: check. I have been in a lot of physical pain: check. I understand the neuroscience and physiology of the pain response in the body: I mean, holy shit, that takes it all, right? NO. Stuck. I have been so fucking stuck on this. How do I relate? I pushed out two humans unmedicated from my vagina and thought I was going to die both times. I finished a marathon hobbling from a leg injury. I get pain. I just don't get non-musculoskeletal continuous pain. Or so I thought. Y'all, be really careful what you wish for, the Universe doesn't pull its punches.
The other day I was telling a client about this, she i…

A Tale of Two Pictures

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Can you see it? It's funny how you see it in others and miss it in yourself. I was going though old pics from a year ago, exploring the images I took from a solo hike shortly after my last drink, and I came across this image. It seems perfectly juxtaposed against the second image from our recent vacation. Can you see the difference? To think, this was how I was interacting in my world.  Sad eyes. Fake smile. 

I didn't fake it till I made it to this point. Honestly, I barely made it. Some days I was 100% certain I wouldn't make it at all. I struggled. I fought against the healing that I needed. Yet here I am. Not every day is a win. But each day is another day. For that I am grateful.
This summer has been slow for our business. Not unheard of in our industry, but it is scary as hell when this is your livelihood. The very thing that keeps a roof over your head and food on the table. Instead of seeing it as an industry trend I was internalizing it as personal failure. I kept…

Happy Sobriety Year to me!!!

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One year. One beautiful, messy, super fucking hard as shit year from hell. One year in which all the crap I ignored for 20 years bubbled up...and I am still wading through it. In the thick, so to speak. I am fortunate, though, I do not wade alone. And even when I do, life rafts are near by, held in place by people who love me. People I didn't know a year ago, and people that are slowly becoming my family. Thankfully, I also married a former life guard, and while he is on his own journey simultaneously, he is a quick learner. I never really had a clue how much connection played a role in addiction. I could tell you a whole lot of random shit about what addiction does to the brain, how it's a fantastic learning model, what it's like to give cocaine to rats...but connection? Funny, that never made it on my radar. It is everything, though. And the addict will tell you straight up how isolating life is when using. I don't need people when I have my vice. But like air, wate…

Chaotic Ramblings

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Discombobulated. That's where I am. An emotional roller coaster, lost in the onslaught of memories as I break down the glorious walls I built to protect myself. Eff this noise. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time becomes one moment, one breath.
10 FUCKING MONTHS SOBER.
This is it, I have now reached the point where I have been without alcohol (or drugs...but that’s a different story) for the longest stretch since I first got drunk at 19. Yup. 10 months. Excuse me while my brain throws it's monthly tantrum over me still being in the thick of this shit.
Therapy has gotten shitty. We see 3 therapists: one each and a couple's guru. They are simultaneously amazing and HARD. Holy shit it's hard. We are both working through our own stuff and then we pile on the stuff we do together once a week too. Now seems like the perfect time to go through it all, right? Amidst parenting, trying to grow our business, barely making ends meet. Sure thing. Let's do it all …

To HELL with Resolutions

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I've never believed in new year's resolutions. Sure I made them, but like everyone else...by February they were a long forgotten concept.
This year was a little different. As we near the end of another year I still balk at the idea of resolutions. But I find myself caught up in the whirlwind of reflection.
This year has been HARD. Yes, we have had other hard years as a family. 2017, it was a bitch of a year. This year has been hard PERSONALLY.
This was the year that I became sober. July 5th, 2017. Almost 6 months ago. This was the year I found my own role in our business, not just as CEO, but as an educator. This was the year my life partner and I owned all the shit we have never worked through. This was the year we lost our last old fur baby, and welcomed in a new one. This was the year our kids transformed into big kids. One finally weaning, the other riding a bike with no training wheels. This was the year I chose me first.
Y'all, it has been a year.
Our business doubl…

There is no ALONE

The days come and go. Some are sweeter than honey, and you swim bravely through, soaking up the joy, embracing the hardships. Then an upset. You put one too many things on your own plate. Maybe you don't even do it, maybe life happens in overdrive all at once...and the overwhelming sets in. Except you don't know how to process overwhelming. There is no enticing liquid courage to help you brave it or ride it out. It just is. The glaring and daunting truth of life. You stand, shoulders squared, face to face against it. You hold strong, until you don't. You crumble under the weight. You failed. Maybe you didn't get that drink, but you feel like you shattered. The tears and feeling of failure simply won't dissipate.  Why? What did you do wrong? You worked SO hard. You had it.
Or did you?
You worked SO HARD...ALONE. You think you always work so well alone. It's how you do all the things in life. You don't need help. You are strong and capable. Asking for help, havi…