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Showing posts from September, 2020

I used to be a meth addict

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15 years ago I was a meth addict.
More specifically, I smoked what was commonly referred to as Ice.
And I loved it.Before I jump right into how that all came about, let’s back up a bit. To know my story is to know that I was 19 before my first alcohol-induced blackout. A gift bestowed upon me by a man that stole me away from my life, and quickly learned he could control me with alcohol. I was a quick study on checking the hell out of my life, even better if it tasted sweet. After I escaped his clutches, by no less than a miracle, I was lost. Like a starving and desolate pup dropped by the side of the road looking for any scraps or refuge. Be careful what you seek, for you will find it.Or it will find you.This is where I tell you that drugs saved my life. Not an exaggeration. They did. The people that brought them into my life also saved me. I had no idea how to survive the hell I emerged from, and drugs helped me. We will call this the “trauma self-medication” years. Time is shady aroun…

Becoming the Warrior

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I couldn’t sleep last night, I imagine I’m not alone with this dilemma right now. My brain was ON, my thoughts speeding through like a runaway freight train. Weird imagery, I know. 
So, there I was not sleeping, partly because of my own thinking and anxieties, partly due to my youngest’s nightmare cycle. I tried reading, breathing, praying, meditating. I lay there with my eyes closed willing myself to sleep, when my brain lit up. Words began tumbling in, and as they do, trying to push their way out. My fingers itched to type. What arrived landed heavy, and I knew why they landed. It’s been 1 year since I experienced a significant social loss that was directly related to my sobriety. One year since the moment I learned that sober doesn’t equate healthiness, or emotional sobriety. More importantly, it was this event that taught me how often I allowed myself to be a victim. I learned the hard way that boundaries are for those we love, just as much as they are for strangers. It is a lesson…

Quitting the Hustle

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You know what radical self love is, it’s waking up 37 years young and realizing that not only can you NOT be all the things to everybody...but you don’t want to. You can't do everything, to-do lists are mostly bullshit, and expectations are a sure fire way to develop resentments. Logically, rationally, I can tell you all the things I should be doing right now. The list I can come up with would make most list lovers cringe. Why? Because I think my to-do list is achievable daily. My brain believes that I am supposed to be doing all the things, all the time.
Unfortunately, that’s not how that works.
Research suggests that, at most, lists can include 2-3 tasks in them a day to be both achievable and non-shame inducing. Additionally, Dr. Bluma Zeigarnik first discussed the impact of unfinished tasks on our memory in 1938. We've known for awhile that long to-do lists are recipes for perceived failure.
Fun fact: You will always do more than 3 things a day, you just might not have them on…

Hope is Scarred, Not Dead

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It was my misunderstanding and I was angry. In my sensitive state I heard his sigh following my big sigh and thought he was mocking me. He has, not that many days ago. It’s not a stretch to think he would make light of my feelings. He has, not that many days ago. I was wrong and harsh in my incorrect assessment. He became infuriated. Nasty words on both sides again tonight. Second time in 3 days. It’s rough over here y’all.I wrote I should let go, but forgave and found a new therapist after our last fight. I wonder how many more days, months, years I will allow this cycle. If you ask for a sign, get it, and ignore it...then you are the fool.
But you know why I am really angry?
Because I wanted to be held. I wanted a shoulder to cry on. I sat on that couch across from him and poured all my pain out and he never once came over to me. He says I can come sit by him or ask him. I don’t want to. I want to be held, and in the middle of my pain I want to be with someone that simply thinks to hold…