Becoming the Warrior
I couldn’t sleep last night, I imagine I’m not alone with this dilemma right now. My brain was ON, my thoughts speeding through like a runaway freight train. Weird imagery, I know.
So, there I was not sleeping, partly because of my own thinking and anxieties, partly due to my youngest’s nightmare cycle. I tried reading, breathing, praying, meditating. I lay there with my eyes closed willing myself to sleep, when my brain lit up. Words began tumbling in, and as they do, trying to push their way out. My fingers itched to type. What arrived landed heavy, and I knew why they landed. It’s been 1 year since I experienced a significant social loss that was directly related to my sobriety. One year since the moment I learned that sober doesn’t equate healthiness, or emotional sobriety. More importantly, it was this event that taught me how often I allowed myself to be a victim. I learned the hard way that boundaries are for those we love, just as much as they are for strangers. It is a lesson that left deep scars.
It has been a year of years since that event. I won’t bore you with many of the details, many that I have already shared previously (my little nudge for you to read my other blog posts). Instead I will share the words that needed out so desperately. Words that remind me of the growth I have achieved this past year. Words that will bolster me through whatever may lie ahead. After all, that is what self-love means. Realizing that each moment is an opportunity to learn and grow closer to the version of ourselves we wish to be.
This is me. The badass warrior. Strong back, soft middle. Courageous and compassionate. All while still being my own Champion.
Becoming The Warrior
I hate that you cross my mind.Your choice to remove yourself from my life while blaming me for that choice belongs in your lap. I refuse to be pulled into the guilt and shame of something I am not.
YOU can live with your choice
YOU can move on as you please.
Just get the fuck out of my head with that noise, playing off the beat of my own self-deprecation, trying to convince me that your sickness is somehow my own. I own I am not perfect, just as I own I am not who you declare I am.
You never even took the time to know ME.
You only wanted the story of me you had created to fit your narrative, who you wanted me to be. I am not sorry to disappoint you. In fact, I happily reject all of your nonsense and cruelty. Only a narcissist could think themselves important enough to tell someone else that their healing is proof of sickness.
That their boundaries are wrong.
That they are too much.
You don’t get to be amplified by my own pain anymore. I strip you of that power.
You are simply just one more sick human out there in the world spreading your illness on anyone not prepared to place a boundary between your bullshit and themselves.
I have been that sick before.
So sick that everyone else was the enemy.
So sick that I was a victim to be preyed upon.
The reality is, I am no one's victim, you are no one's victim.
You are also choosing to stay sick.
Maybe that’s what you want.
Maybe you don’t want to heal.
You once told me that some people don’t, or can’t.
I see now you were speaking of yourself.
You gather a flock around you to justify and sanctify your sickness.
They are just as sick.
I am not.
I choose to heal, live, change.
I choose life.
I am not your victim, cast out unkindly or unfairly.
I will repeat that for you: I am no one's victim.
I am the warrior that walked away from your messy battleground, knowing it would not be a fair fight. I am too strong for you.
And that is why you had to remove me.
Let’s be clear, only warriors are welcome in my arena. So don’t waltz in with your bullshit wasting my time. You’re either here to fight for your life, or you’re out there content to blindly wander through.
I don’t train for contentment, I train for resilience.
I AM the Warrior.