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Showing posts from 2017

To HELL with Resolutions

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I've never believed in new year's resolutions. Sure I made them, but like everyone else...by February they were a long forgotten concept.
This year was a little different. As we near the end of another year I still balk at the idea of resolutions. But I find myself caught up in the whirlwind of reflection.
This year has been HARD. Yes, we have had other hard years as a family. 2017, it was a bitch of a year. This year has been hard PERSONALLY.
This was the year that I became sober. July 5th, 2017. Almost 6 months ago. This was the year I found my own role in our business, not just as CEO, but as an educator. This was the year my life partner and I owned all the shit we have never worked through. This was the year we lost our last old fur baby, and welcomed in a new one. This was the year our kids transformed into big kids. One finally weaning, the other riding a bike with no training wheels. This was the year I chose me first.
Y'all, it has been a year.
Our business doubl…

There is no ALONE

The days come and go. Some are sweeter than honey, and you swim bravely through, soaking up the joy, embracing the hardships. Then an upset. You put one too many things on your own plate. Maybe you don't even do it, maybe life happens in overdrive all at once...and the overwhelming sets in. Except you don't know how to process overwhelming. There is no enticing liquid courage to help you brave it or ride it out. It just is. The glaring and daunting truth of life. You stand, shoulders squared, face to face against it. You hold strong, until you don't. You crumble under the weight. You failed. Maybe you didn't get that drink, but you feel like you shattered. The tears and feeling of failure simply won't dissipate.  Why? What did you do wrong? You worked SO hard. You had it.
Or did you?
You worked SO HARD...ALONE. You think you always work so well alone. It's how you do all the things in life. You don't need help. You are strong and capable. Asking for help, havi…

A Letter to a Healthy Alcoholic

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Dear Healthy Alcoholic,
I see you there, sipping your craft beer or bourbon. I see you smiling, enjoying your evening. Tonight perhaps that's your only drink. But tomorrow will come, or a long day, or a setback in life/business. Whenever the feelings begin you will reach for another, and another. Just enough to dampen those feelings, maybe more if you just want to sleep and feel nothing. The hard times call, and damn if there just doesn't always seem to be a hard time. Pour another. You're not addicted or anything. You go days without drinking. Hell, you went 9 months with each kiddo. And what's one or two beers? Sure they are pretty heavy, sure you are a lightweight, but really...what's one or two? That's moderation. You are totally in control. It's not like your weekend binge past times from undergrad and grad school. Football games, nights out, back to the grind and feeling like ass on Monday. No, you don't do that. You have run half-marathons, you ha…

From Sobriety to Grief...It's been a long few months

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I tend to take long hiatuses in writing. I don't know if it is due to the excessive demands of every day life, or if it is the fear of being as authentic as I want to be. Whatever the reason, I am back for the moment.

I have a lot I want to share, and I will get there. For instance, today I am 72 days sober from alcohol. This was a health choice that turned into a HARD lesson on addiction...a subject I know far more about than I should have needed to see it within myself.  A struggle I have encountered before but seemingly ignored due to fear of stigma. I am not afraid anymore. And to prove it I am going to cry and sing in a video dedicated to my big baby pup, Rambo, who we said goodbye to yesterday.

This is a raw message. It wasn't intended to be shared publicly. I have intense fear of singing in public. Yet as I find my voice, as I learn to say what needs to be said, I am also learning that fear only holds as much power as I allow it to. My sweet Rambo wasn't afraid of a…

feminism

You speak at me, not to me. You use words without meaning.
The emphasis is clear, the respect is absent. 
You are part of a greater collective, yet you claim you stand alone.
No.
No, you are not unique.
You have existed since the beginning of time.
Claiming I am a witch for my thinking and knowledge, you burned me at the stake.
Claiming I was unstable because of my emotions, you institutionalized me.
You saw my body first, so you sold me or bought me and did as you pleased with my body.
I am beautiful, I am ugly. I am too thin, I am too fat. I am too tall, I am too short.
I am too pale or too dark or too loud or too strong or too too too...
No, you have always existed.
But you would not exist save my womb. My vagina that birthed you into this existence.
Perhaps one day you will overcome this and then truly dominate.
It is more likely that I will become stronger.
More resilient.
More capable of standing up for myself.
I will learn to fight...clean or dirty.
I will not back down, shut up, learn my place,…

With love

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The past couple of months have been a whirlwind. No, that's not quite right. Perhaps an F5 tornado is a more fitting description. I could probably write an entire book just on the past few months, but in many ways I cannot for the life of me think of why it would matter. Most of it I have dealt with, some I am still working to understand. But at the core of it all, my base support remains steady. I suppose that sometimes all you can hope for is a strong cellar door to block out the worst, and hope nothing comes crashing through. That door is beat to hell right now, but it held. And for that I am thankful. 

In brief - I ran my first marathon (freaking amazing), turned 34, had a lovely and quiet Christmas with my spouse/kiddos/dog. I missed my NASM cert by one point and I am currently studying to re-take...talk about an ego blow when you have a PhD. Cue eye roll. My tantrum about that lasted a day before I reminded myself that I can do better anyway. My daughter turned 2, where does …