You think I am so brave, I walked away with my head held high. I am bold. I am a rebel, turning my back on academia to pursue my passions.
You have no idea.
I am nothing.
This façade is for me, a theatrical attempt to not drown in the depths of my failure. I failed not only myself but my family. I dragged them to a place we could not thrive. So much change, so little opportunity. Lovely people, a phenomenal baby, some life lessons sprinkled in...and here we are, so far below where we started.
And it is ALL. MY. FAULT.
I try desperately to focus on the beautiful little girl born in KY, and the amazing women that taught me all about true community. I try to see the silver linings and not focus on how my son does not have a playroom or a yard to play in. Or how or where we could send him to a few days of school this fall? So many questions, and I cannot even begin to answer them.
I am too wrapped up in failing.
This isn't the first time. It keeps reminding me of when I was 19. When I walked away from Emory University and into the arms of one shitty excuse for a human being. I failed myself so badly then. And when I got out of that they called me brave too.
I am beginning to think they do not know what bravery really is.
Failures aren't brave, they are just surviving.
To say this latest journey has humbled me would be an understatement.
I don't even know where to begin to pick up the pieces.
Maybe 20 year old me can come give me a pep talk. She survived her failure, maybe I can survive mine.