Unless vs. Success

The power of our stories cannot be understated. Why did I choose not to begin at the beginning with this post? Easy, I couldn't 1) see all of my beginning and 2) I wasn't ready to be honest.

I am now. I am more than ready. I am tired of living a facade. I want to love and share all of me, not just the pretty bits that get skimmed over anyway.
All of it.
The yuck, the nasty, the downright wrongness of some chapters.
These are the messy middle parts. And I will not gloss over them with silly and childish attempts at humor and deflection.
I am a grown woman, and I have faced all of my shit as a grown woman.
Am I perfect? Fuck no.
But I am real.
And I am proud of that achievement.

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me."
I Corinthians 13:11

~ Dr. Jessica

5/20/2015 - Addicted to success

If you came back for some autobiographical purging be forewarned, I am operating under the assumption that we are already well acquainted. At this point you already know my deep dark secret. So let's leave the past in the past. Therapy often begins with a recounting of all the shit we have been through, and I always find this part silly. I know where my demons come from, I determined that about 5 therapists ago. It's not relevant. What I want to know is how to kick their asses out of my head, or at least how to slap a muzzle on them. Granted, the past will slip in from time to time. Please don't expect it or ask for it. It is mine to share or not.

So since we are so in the know about each other it should come as no surprise when I tell you that I am a TED talk addict. And that having my own TED talk may be a daydream of mine. Similar to the beauty queen that practices her crown acceptance speech, I daydream about the badass TED talk I will give. No, I do not know my topic yet, but I assure you it WILL be epic.  A lot of my defining life moments have been inspired by a TED talk. The latest inspiration came from a talk about failing to obtain a great career. Watch it...then meet me back here and we can chat about how I have lived in fear of success my whole life. I mean it. Watch it.

So? Feel inspired yet? No? Let me guess...at least one of those excuses hit home, right? I know. I've used every damn one of them. But here I am all the same. Admitting my flaws to the world, watching TED talks, writing for me. What a selfish jerk of a mom and wife. I mean seriously. I have mountains of student loan debt, a PhD in neuroscience. 
What the hell am I doing?
Living out my passion. 
Being exceptionally grateful for a life partner that encourages me every step of the way.

You see, the truth is I hate the word unless. Unless what? I feel like Marty McFly after someone calls him chicken. And a good job, well what difference will that make? And are people really so fantastic when they are wasting talent slaving away over some job or another? Losing themselves to a quota? Not even sure what they are working for at the end of each day?
Hell no.
Greatness comes from risk taking. Jumping off the proverbial cliff.
Head first with no parachute.
Welcome to my cliff. 
Don't get comfy. 
It's a non stop and very awkward ride. 
And please do not make the mistake of believing for a second that I'm not scared, I'm terrified.
Yet as my little Japanese character tattoo suggests, or at least I am hoping it does (LOL), strength and courage are intertwined. 

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear."
- Mark twain

What are YOU afraid of?


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